Day two has brought more intuitive thinking as I listen to the words of my instructor.
The notion of NOT pushing myself, of NOT hating myself and doing all this in self-love is still completely foreign!
When I think of where I came from, it perpetuates the burning, loathsome feelings I have for the diet and exercise industry. Their facade that larger people are ugly, shamed and judged allow them to capitalize on the effects of those lies by pushing people (who now have low self esteem, thanks to their lies) to “better” their bodies out of hatred, shame and regret. They tell them larger bodied people have no will power. So then, they congratulate people who completely ignore every God-given signal provided them, just so they can be smaller. Smaller. For someone else’s idea of beauty.
#calmdowncrazylady #movingon
So as I’m lying there, doing simple movements, almost as simple as a baby would be doing at a few months old, I get it a little better than I did yesterday. YES! I’m getting it.
The motions become familiar to me now, and as I do it I feel self love and peace.
Though there are times when I have to fight simple diet mentality, for example, as I was doing the motions, the instructor said for us to do one more. Well, the first thought I had was, I’ll do another one just for good measure.
Good measure? What measure? Who’s measure?
“For good measure” has always been a disciplinary phrase for me. For good measure.
Well, as I see it, I’m not disciplining any part of my mind or body here, but strengthening it. I’m not strengthening it to “discipline” myself. I’m not strengthening it to get smaller.
Yeah, sure. If I strengthen my stomach muscles, which by the way, haven’t worked properly since I had my first son by emergency C-section 13 years ago, I may very well be able to run with my kids easier than before.
Sure, if I strengthen my core, I may eventually, if that’s how my body reacts to things, get smaller.
BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I’M DOING THIS!
If not this, then why?
To simply be stronger.
That’s it.
Strength.
I mean, go figure, right? I’m doing exercise to…get stronger. Not to discipline myself, not because some diet program said so, not because I hate my body, not because I’m ashamed I can’t run after my kids or because I can’t tie my shoes…Nope.
Because my core is really, really lose and I feel it in my back. I’ve not even properly exercised it since having my son because my core just didn’t work well after my cesarean. It just didn’t. And now I see that’s not my fault.
I found a program where this guy said the reason I’m not getting stronger after all this time is because normal core strengthening exercises make no compensation for what I’ve been through and where my core has its problem. His wife went through the same thing, emergency C-section…the only difference being she still hated her body, and couldn’t smile at herself in the mirror. Good news is I can already do that.
And so I began this new journey yesterday.
And today it felt better.
This is what matters.
Notice: I’m not rating my progress on how I did, but on how I feel about what I did. See the difference there? Yes I’m proud I did better and understood more what they were saying, but if I didn’t understand it, if I would have gotten worse at the concept, I’d be trying to offer myself love instead of anger and hatred toward my body.
These changes in my heart had to take place before I took any step toward movement again. I’m so thankful this is where I am now.
Here’s to a happy and safe weekend, my loves.
Faith Love Creative 